Andrew Trench notes from the revolution

How to beat the cold callers

Here is my column which will appear in Friday's paper. It's about getting revenge on telesales people.

"Good morning, my dear reader. I hope I can have a few minutes of your time?
Yes? Well, thank you. Before we continue let me advise you that this conversation is being recorded for quality control and security reasons.
Now, I notice that you have not taken advantage of our latest offer.... Hello, hello?
Sound familiar? It does to me because in the last week I’ve had three of these pesky calls. One was from Discovery Life, one was from Telkom, the other was from American Express.
It seems that these irritating sales calls are growing by the day. Could it have anything to do with the exploding call centre industry in South Africa, I wonder.
Do these call centre folk have to find something to do with their downtime when not speaking, in fake US accents, I imagine, to customers on the other side of the globe because some American pie-maker decided relocate customer care to Cape Town?
Now let me tell you about a few of my experiences.
The other night I was called away to the phone while bathing my toddler daughter. On other end of the line there was what sounded like a six-year-old who proceeded to ask me if I was the account holder for our phone line. Before I could sing the youngster Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, I was being recorded “for quality and security”.
When it finally dawned on me that I was, in fact, speaking to a Telkom telesales person I said, “Look, it’s not convenient to speak to you now, and I’m also not interested in anything you want to offer”.
From his reaction you would have thought I had reached down the phone and slapped him across the chops. “But why?” he bawled, “Are you saying you want to pay more!”
“So,” I said, “Let me get this straight: you are phoning me to tell me how Telkom is ripping me off and asking me to spend more money with you?”
Who dreams up a sales pitch like that?
I have been thinking about how I ‘m going to deal with this nuisance phenomenon and I have a sneaky strategy which I would like to share with you all.
It is clear that these call centres are only viable as a sales operation because the cost of sales is so low. Their business must work on volume, making as many calls as possible for even a relatively low take-up rate on whatever is being offered.
Considering this I realised the rude and obnoxious response fits their business model perfectly. You simply become part of the churn and they move onto another call.
No, what we have to do is drive up their costs. We must toy with them like a cat toys with a mouse.
Here is my advice: next time you get one of these calls sound like you are very interested. Inquire about every detail of the offer. Involve the caller in a discussion about similar products, perhaps even the evolution of the industry from which it emanates.
A good approach would be to offer an opinion on the stochastic process that might have to apply for you to make a decision about these goods or services.
Make the phone call last for at least an hour. Then tell the salesperson that you are still undecided but are leaning towards taking it up. Ask them to phone you back - on your cellphone of course because that would be convenient for you – and engage them again in some new discussions about the offer. Repeat this at least three times.
By this point the cost of sales for the agent will be more than the value of the product they are offering. Their business model will crumble like a castle made of sand.
So, all you telesales whizzes out there, give me a ring. I’m ready and waiting."