Children of the resolution
A happy New Year to you all and commiserations as well because I’m sure that as you read this you are counting your broken resolutions.
I’m still battling the nicotine dragon I promised to vanquish years ago – he’s a much tougher old bugger than I ever imagined.
Yes, New Year also had me vowing to exercise more, to eat better, to drink less, to have more balance in my life, to be happier, to be more content. Sound familiar?
But unfortunately these resolutions are rarely resolute. Instead, I have found, they walk hand-in-hand with some nasty friends called “self-doubt”, “guilt” and “regret”.
But today I want to tell you that those resolutions don’t matter.
Jingle hell, jingle hell…
Hands up all of you who promised to do gift shopping before the Christmas rush. Now, hands up, all those who kept the promise.
I thought so. Tsk, tsk. Why do we never learn?
Now let me rub my crystal ball and see where you will be for the next three Saturdays.
Perhaps fighting with the parking ticket machine at Vincent Park? Sitting in the traffic jam at Retail Park? Rushing into Spar at the last moment to get a box of choccies for the relative you forgot?
If you’re anything like me, this year will be like last year – an bruising last-minute shopping scrum that flattens your Christmas spirit.
A nation in love with doom
I used to suspect that we were our own worst enemies, now I know it. We South Africans seem incapable of being happy and I’m probably about to fall into an ironic trap by complaining about it.
I’ve whined about it before when I tackled East Londoners who do nothing but gripe about our town.
But this contagion of cynicism is clearly not confined to the Eastern Cape. No, it seems that as a nation we love nothing more than pouring cold water onto our own exuberance.
The latest chapter is, of course, the Jake White saga.
How to beat the cold callers
Here is my column which will appear in Friday's paper. It's about getting revenge on telesales people.
"Good morning, my dear reader. I hope I can have a few minutes of your time?
Yes? Well, thank you. Before we continue let me advise you that this conversation is being recorded for quality control and security reasons.
Now, I notice that you have not taken advantage of our latest offer.... Hello, hello?
Sound familiar? It does to me because in the last week I’ve had three of these pesky calls. One was from Discovery Life, one was from Telkom, the other was from American Express.
It seems that these irritating sales calls are growing by the day. Could it have anything to do with the exploding call centre industry in South Africa, I wonder.
Do these call centre folk have to find something to do with their downtime when not speaking, in fake US accents, I imagine, to customers on the other side of the globe because some American pie-maker decided relocate customer care to Cape Town?
Now let me tell you about a few of my experiences.
The other night I was called away to the phone while bathing my toddler daughter. On other end of the line there was what sounded like a six-year-old who proceeded to ask me if I was the account holder for our phone line. Before I could sing the youngster Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, I was being recorded “for quality and security”.
When it finally dawned on me that I was, in fact, speaking to a Telkom telesales person I said, “Look, it’s not convenient to speak to you now, and I’m also not interested in anything you want to offer”.
From his reaction you would have thought I had reached down the phone and slapped him across the chops. “But why?” he bawled, “Are you saying you want to pay more!”
“So,” I said, “Let me get this straight: you are phoning me to tell me how Telkom is ripping me off and asking me to spend more money with you?”
Who dreams up a sales pitch like that?
I have been thinking about how I ‘m going to deal with this nuisance phenomenon and I have a sneaky strategy which I would like to share with you all.
It is clear that these call centres are only viable as a sales operation because the cost of sales is so low. Their business must work on volume, making as many calls as possible for even a relatively low take-up rate on whatever is being offered.
Considering this I realised the rude and obnoxious response fits their business model perfectly. You simply become part of the churn and they move onto another call.
No, what we have to do is drive up their costs. We must toy with them like a cat toys with a mouse.
Here is my advice: next time you get one of these calls sound like you are very interested. Inquire about every detail of the offer. Involve the caller in a discussion about similar products, perhaps even the evolution of the industry from which it emanates.
A good approach would be to offer an opinion on the stochastic process that might have to apply for you to make a decision about these goods or services.
Make the phone call last for at least an hour. Then tell the salesperson that you are still undecided but are leaning towards taking it up. Ask them to phone you back - on your cellphone of course because that would be convenient for you – and engage them again in some new discussions about the offer. Repeat this at least three times.
By this point the cost of sales for the agent will be more than the value of the product they are offering. Their business model will crumble like a castle made of sand.
So, all you telesales whizzes out there, give me a ring. I’m ready and waiting."